More SNOW!

I really really really cant wait to be riding outside. Yesterday we got 20 cm of snow (about 8 inches for the Americans!) We also got 70km an hour winds which meant that we couldn't get across the Marsh to get to work in the city. It also took the life of an older man that lived down the road from us. He was out plowing his driveway, couldn't see the edge of his driveway and flipped his tractor in the ditch. He didn't have a roll bar on his tractor.

Dad was one of the first responders that was on the site, and like always when something like that happens neither my Mom or me is allowed on the road until the weather is perfect again so I didn't get to the barn last night.

I went out tonight and helped D and C with the chores, then lunged Lucas with side reins on. I'm starting to re-think some of my showing goals for the summer. I'm hopeing that next week I can start riding more than once a week (for hopefully more than 10 min a shot too!)

The book project is going well, I hope to have somthing to post about it tomorrow night but we'll see how the editing goes tomorrow!

Lucas turns 11

And a couple of pictures from the other day when we got to lunge outside. I drove him today and did some work on his canter transitions so that will hopefully help us when I can ride again.

Barn and writing and coughing.

Had a bit of a trip out to the barn today, only about 4 hours but most of it was spent up in the heated viewing room with the lesson kid's parents. Lucas got a good brush again but no more riding. I'm hoping that tomorrow afternoon it will be dry enough that we can go up to the outdoor and do a little bit of riding outside.

The first show we can go to is May 13 (the entry forms came out today) And with a month and a half to go I'm seriously wondering how much showing we will get to do. It sucks that I'm having a hard time riding more than 15 min a week again after working so hard to ride well in January and February. I'm still coughing if I do too much more than walk, but its better than it was on Thursday. I seem to get better and think I'm on the mend, then back down to being sick and in bed again.

I am trying to work on my write up and I've been writing back and forth with my 'guide' and I was a little worried that my story was going to come off too horsey... So this was my original submission and her comments follow that:

""My hands have been my gateway back into the horse world I knew and loved before I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. My hands have guided myself and a horse to two Canadian National High Points, something I thought that after my diagnosis was impossible. My hands have taught horses to be more gentle, kids to be braver, and have taught me much about patience, and resilience. "

and while I'm here, may I just say how thrilled I am to be working with you. I am a frustrated horse nerd - one of my most favorite smells in the world is the scent of horse. You take me into a barn and I'm ecstatic. I used to take riding lessons when I was around 12 years old, but then my JRA went nuts and it was something I had to say goodbye to. 35+ years later, it is one of the only things I truly regret about the disability my RA gave me. Working with you is my opportunity to dive back into that world and I am very much looking forward to it!

We chose your story partly because you wrote it well and partly because of the horses. We believe showing you interacting with your horse(s) will be a powerful story/image and certainly a unique one. I have some general ideas about the staging of your photos that have lived in my brain since I first saw your submission, so if you want to bet some ideas around, that's part of my role in this process. Of course, it's your story and you're in the driver's seat, so it's up to you to decide when you want me to be involved.

have a great weekend!"

Back to the Microsoft word I go!

I got to ride!

Only for 15 min, but it was nice to actually have a some what productive ride. I lunged him then worked over some poles that I scattered around the indoor. He was a little hot tonight but with lower work load, and the birds that are trying to nest in one end of the indoor, it was a little expected.

He did try and pull his 'I don't want to' when I asked him to trot off but I put the boots to him, and he came around to my way of thinking. Its not taking much, just two or three quick kicks with my legs enough to startle him to trot off. I did have to pull it out twice, which might have been the result of me quitting so early last ride but we did get over it and have some decent trot work until I had to stop for air.

GHM asked why I didn't carry a whip, and it is something we have thought about on and off for a while. It took us a long time to desensitize him from thinking that we were going to 'beat' him with a lot of things... we have smacked him with the end of the western reins without too much excitement but we are a bit worried that a dressage whip may cause issues. I also can't show with one so I need to have options for when this happens when I wont have access to a whip. Its still on the table, but we're still just taking about it and thinking about it.

Is panicing!

I have until April 6th to have my essay along with 10-15 photos sent in for the book, so of course I'm writing on my blog!!! ARGH!!

In Lucas news we finally got out to lunge in the outdoor arena! But we got stuck in the mud on the way to the arena. I may be starting to feel more confident about riding a short trail ride this summer (or at least some time outside of a fenced ring). He was very good going down the barn drive by himself and along the road to get to the outdoor ring drive way. The mud scared him out a bit but it was a lot sticker than I thought it would be.

I'm still sick so I'm staying home again tonight. I really wish I could just stop coughing.

RA, the downs and the ups of living with it.

So I got my infusion last night, went to bed at 8. Woke up at 5:30 am (my regular time) long enough to decided that I wasn't going to work, my mom woke me up at 6:30 so I could call work and text my car-poolers to let them know I wasn't coming. I'm fairly sure I left my boss a message that sounded like I was drunk! I went back to bed again until 9:45 up until 11:45, back in bed until 2 when I finally got up and had a shower. I went out to the barn for a bit to scrub some hair off Lucas and take off his winter blanket and put his lighter turnout on. Then back home and back onto the lazy boy.

Fun day in the life of an RA sufferer.

But then I opened my email.

As part of my ongoing reaching out and spreading the word about RA on places more than just my own blog, I submitted my bio and application to the "Show us your Hands" book.

http://www.showusyourhands.org/photo-book-project/

I came home from my short trip to the barn to find out I got accepted!!! This will be a work in progress, and I hope to bring all of you along on the ride with me as usual!

Lucas gets his but kicked by me and a couple of yearlings!

I really hate complaining all the time about how my joints suck but I sooooo can't wait until Tuesday when I get my drugs! Just about everything takes what feels like more and more energy and out ride today was really short due to my hip bothering me.... I will be so happy to get back to MY normal!

Yesterday Lucas got some new turnout buddies. Hes been biting and chasing the geldings he was out with and keeping them away from the hay so C and D needed to find a place to put him. The two yearling had some room in there turnout so we tried him in there yesterday. Both yearlings chased him into the corner of the paddock and kept him there for 20 min. Once Chick had decided that he had waited long enough she let him out of the corner and let him eat hay at one of the piles. She's only about 14 hands but she's the boss!

Lucas being kept away from the hay

Today I went out and Lunged the crap out of him before getting on to ride him. I decided that if the 13 year old kid can beat him enough with her legs to get him to trot without him getting 'stuck' than so could I! So I walked him for a couple of min and worked on the trail stuff that was set up in the ring, then I asked him to trot off, which of course he didn't want to do!

So I grabbed the horn with my outside hand kept my inside on the reins and started kicking with both legs, and I think he was so startled by me doing that he just trotted right off. I should mention that I didn't have any spurs on so it was just my legs but he moved off nicely after that! I only rode him for about 10 min in total but I wanted him to realize that trotting off when I ask doesn't always mean more work, it only means I want him to trot.

I'm happy with the way he looked when L rode him on Friday, so I need to remember that this is suppose to be fun! Just trying to make him perfect all of the time does nothing but piss us both off. He knows his job we just need to work together.

Luke At Me

Lucas' sire

Videos of Lucas

So I forgot my helmet at home last night but one of the barn kids who loves Lucas was hanging around so I asked her if she wanted to ride him. She was really excited, she's only ridden him (more than just walking him out) once before so she was really excited that she got to canter on him for the first time.

He was a really good boy and it makes me happy to see how well he's going. Maybe I've been concerned over nothing! He looks like hes ready to go in a hus class now!

I'll post a video of Lauren on her horse Tanker who she rode after Lucas. Tanker had most of the winter off (she's just 4) so she's still building up her conditioning.

Lucas Cantering on Video

Ran out of spoons today,

I didn't do much riding on the weekend, but it seems that it might have been a bit too much. I am so glad that I carpool or else I'm not sure how I would have made it home from the city I was just wiped out! So no matter how nice it is out, I'm staying home tonight and heading to bed soon.

Thanks to the nice weather Lucas is now getting outside for about 10 hours a day which will make him a much happier horse :), however he's still beating up some of his pasture buddies so we're going to have to mix some groups up and see if we can find a mare that will put him in his place and get him to stop picking on the younger horses.

I really can't wait to get my drugs next week! Its funny that you don't really remember how bad it can be until you have a flair up. Thankfully its just tiredness and a little joint swelling, not much pain yet. I joke to my friends that I used all of my 'spoons' on the weekend having fun, its hard to save them for work!

Here is the 'spoon' story for anyone who hasn't read it yet...

The Spoon Theory

by Christine Miserandino www.butyoudontlooksick.com

My best friend and I were in the diner, talking. As usual, it was very late and we were eating French fries with gravy. Like normal girls our age, we spent a lot of time in the diner while in college, and most of the time we spent talking about boys, music or trivial things, that seemed very important at the time. We never got serious about anything in particular and spent most of our time laughing.

As I went to take some of my medicine with a snack as I usually did, she watched me with an awkward kind of stare, instead of continuing the conversation. She then asked me out of the blue what it felt like to have Lupus and be sick. I was shocked not only because she asked the random question, but also because I assumed she knew all there was to know about Lupus. She came to doctors with me, she saw me walk with a cane, and throw up in the bathroom. She had seen me cry in pain, what else was there to know?

I started to ramble on about pills, and aches and pains, but she kept pursuing, and didn’t seem satisfied with my answers. I was a little surprised as being my roommate in college and friend for years; I thought she already knew the medical definition of Lupus. Then she looked at me with a face every sick person knows well, the face of pure curiosity about something no one healthy can truly understand. She asked what it felt like, not physically, but what it felt like to be me, to be sick.

As I tried to gain my composure, I glanced around the table for help or guidance, or at least stall for time to think. I was trying to find the right words. How do I answer a question I never was able to answer for myself? How do I explain every detail of every day being effected, and give the emotions a sick person goes through with clarity. I could have given up, cracked a joke like I usually do, and changed the subject, but I remember thinking if I don’t try to explain this, how could I ever expect her to understand. If I can’t explain this to my best friend, how could I explain my world to anyone else? I had to at least try.

At that moment, the spoon theory was born. I quickly grabbed every spoon on the table; hell I grabbed spoons off of the other tables. I looked at her in the eyes and said “Here you go, you have Lupus”. She looked at me slightly confused, as anyone would when they are being handed a bouquet of spoons. The cold metal spoons clanked in my hands, as I grouped them together and shoved them into her hands.

I explained that the difference in being sick and being healthy is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn’t have to. The healthy have the luxury of a life without choices, a gift most people take for granted.

Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. I wanted something for her to actually hold, for me to then take away, since most people who get sick feel a “loss” of a life they once knew. If I was in control of taking away the spoons, then she would know what it feels like to have someone or something else, in this case Lupus, being in control.

She grabbed the spoons with excitement. She didn’t understand what I was doing, but she is always up for a good time, so I guess she thought I was cracking a joke of some kind like I usually do when talking about touchy topics. Little did she know how serious I would become?

I asked her to count her spoons. She asked why, and I explained that when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of “spoons”. But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know exactly how many “spoons” you are starting with. It doesn’t guarantee that you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons. She laughed and said she wanted more. I said no, and I knew right away that this little game would work, when she looked disappointed, and we hadn’t even started yet. I’ve wanted more “spoons” for years and haven’t found a way yet to get more, why should she? I also told her to always be conscious of how many she had, and not to drop them because she can never forget she has Lupus.

I asked her to list off the tasks of her day, including the most simple. As, she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do; I explained how each one would cost her a spoon. When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon. I practically jumped down her throat. I said ” No! You don’t just get up. You have to crack open your eyes, and then realize you are late. You didn’t sleep well the night before. You have to crawl out of bed, and then you have to make your self something to eat before you can do anything else, because if you don’t, you can’t take your medicine, and if you don’t take your medicine you might as well give up all your spoons for today and tomorrow too.” I quickly took away a spoon and she realized she hasn’t even gotten dressed yet. Showering cost her spoon, just for washing her hair and shaving her legs. Reaching high and low that early in the morning could actually cost more than one spoon, but I figured I would give her a break; I didn’t want to scare her right away. Getting dressed was worth another spoon. I stopped her and broke down every task to show her how every little detail needs to be thought about. You cannot simply just throw clothes on when you are sick. I explained that I have to see what clothes I can physically put on, if my hands hurt that day buttons are out of the question. If I have bruises that day, I need to wear long sleeves, and if I have a fever I need a sweater to stay warm and so on. If my hair is falling out I need to spend more time to look presentable, and then you need to factor in another 5 minutes for feeling badly that it took you 2 hours to do all this.

I think she was starting to understand when she theoretically didn’t even get to work, and she was left with 6 spoons. I then explained to her that she needed to choose the rest of her day wisely, since when your “spoons” are gone, they are gone. Sometimes you can borrow against tomorrow’s “spoons”, but just think how hard tomorrow will be with less “spoons”. I also needed to explain that a person who is sick always lives with the looming thought that tomorrow may be the day that a cold comes, or an infection, or any number of things that could be very dangerous. So you do not want to run low on “spoons”, because you never know when you truly will need them. I didn’t want to depress her, but I needed to be realistic, and unfortunately being prepared for the worst is part of a real day for me.

We went through the rest of the day, and she slowly learned that skipping lunch would cost her a spoon, as well as standing on a train, or even typing at her computer too long. She was forced to make choices and think about things differently. Hypothetically, she had to choose not to run errands, so that she could eat dinner that night.

When we got to the end of her pretend day, she said she was hungry. I summarized that she had to eat dinner but she only had one spoon left. If she cooked, she wouldn’t have enough energy to clean the pots. If she went out for dinner, she might be too tired to drive home safely. Then I also explained, that I didn’t even bother to add into this game, that she was so nauseous, that cooking was probably out of the question anyway. So she decided to make soup, it was easy. I then said it is only 7pm, you have the rest of the night but maybe end up with one spoon, so you can do something fun, or clean your apartment, or do chores, but you can’t do it all.

I rarely see her emotional, so when I saw her upset I knew maybe I was getting through to her. I didn’t want my friend to be upset, but at the same time I was happy to think finally maybe someone understood me a little bit. She had tears in her eyes and asked quietly “Christine, How do you do it? Do you really do this everyday?” I explained that some days were worse then others; some days I have more spoons then most. But I can never make it go away and I can’t forget about it, I always have to think about it. I handed her a spoon I had been holding in reserve. I said simply, “I have learned to live life with an extra spoon in my pocket, in reserve. You need to always be prepared.”

Its hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not do everything. I fight this to this day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to. I wanted her to feel that frustration. I wanted her to understand, that everything everyone else does comes so easy, but for me it is one hundred little jobs in one. I need to think about the weather, my temperature that day, and the whole day’s plans before I can attack any one given thing. When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between being sick and healthy. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom. I miss never having to count “spoons”.

After we were emotional and talked about this for a little while longer, I sensed she was sad. Maybe she finally understood. Maybe she realized that she never could truly and honestly say she understands. But at least now she might not complain so much when I can’t go out for dinner some nights, or when I never seem to make it to her house and she always has to drive to mine. I gave her a hug when we walked out of the diner. I had the one spoon in my hand and I said “Don’t worry. I see this as a blessing. I have been forced to think about everything I do. Do you know how many spoons people waste everyday? I don’t have room for wasted time, or wasted “spoons” and I chose to spend this time with you.”

Ever since this night, I have used the spoon theory to explain my life to many people. In fact, my family and friends refer to spoons all the time. It has been a code word for what I can and cannot do. Once people understand the spoon theory they seem to understand me better, but I also think they live their life a little differently too. I think it isn’t just good for understanding Lupus, but anyone dealing with any disability or illness. Hopefully, they don’t take so much for granted or their life in general. I give a piece of myself, in every sense of the word when I do anything. It has become an inside joke. I have become famous for saying to people jokingly that they should feel special when I spend time with them, because they have one of my “spoons”.

© Christine Miserandino

Wishes she could have a new right side.

Blah... So we had a very good ride today (more on that later) but I really need to figure out whats going on with the right side of my body. My hips are twisted (right hip is about 1/2 of an inch higher) but it usually is ok, and can usually work around and with any stiffness that is present. With this issues over Christmas, and after having the massage 2 weeks ago the joint pain is gone but my muscles are not handling the change well. Basically the muscles that I use to open my hips and wrap my thigh and lower legs around Lucas are extremely tender and weak. Its nice that for once its not a joint issue, but it still hurts!!

So for today's ride I lunged Lucas a lot! Once I got on he was a bit sticky but I mixed up the warm up a bit and did some rollbacks and finally got him to trot off out of one of them. Once I get him going hes ok and he was very good today. Once we got a bunch of long trotting done we threw in some short canter sections (10-15 strides at a canter, not much but we are still trying to focus on quality not quantity) to the right. Transitions were good and solid and he came back to the trot and walk steady and quiet and wasn't anticipating the 'next canter'.

(Just a note here: I've noticed he's getting 'stuck' more when we don't have some poles or trail stuff out, maybe hes extremely board of just going around the ring?)

I've been so worried and worked up over his left lead that I've been avoiding much of any cantering. We both get upset at my inability to cue him correctly and then I end up making us both even madder by trying to 'fix' him. I've been working with him on the lunge line that when he picks up an incorrect lead or gets disunited that I use a vocal command for him to come back to the trot for one stride then to canter off again.

So today I let him come off a diagonal change of direction to go to the left and simply sat and kissed. He took the wrong lead and threw his head around, but I let him come back and tried again twice. I think started thinking and using my brain about how to fix it if I couldn't fix 'me'. So after a bit I tried it again, just sitting, using my right spur and kissed. He got the wrong lead but I used our command, he came back to the trot, I kissed and he cantered off on the correct lead. I let him go a couple of strides then went back to work at the trot for a bit and let him come back to a walk and gave him a big pat. It was good because neither of us was as frustrated today as we have been about the lead, and we got it without a fight.

So we finished off with some one handed work, our correction bit is not the bit for that as he tends to get lighter and lighter and behind the bridle if I correct him too much in it. (Its great in that it offers a correction, but he likes to reach into in and travel level when the bit is at rest, but lightens up his front end when I need it) I think its time we look back into the bag of bits to see what else to try.

Frustrations

So I finally managed to get another ride on Lucas today. He was an ass again, but I got off and lunged him again and he was good when I got back on. Sometimes it seems like its days that I get on him thinking that its going to be a 'light' day when he is at his worst. But it doesn't help that he hasn't been allowed out all week due to the ice and then I brought him in early to ride... excuses I know but he likes to hold a grudge over stuff like that.

Lungs still are not great :( with my fitness level doing more than one or two circles at a rising trot are out of the picture. Hopefully the doctors can figure out whats wrong with me on Tuesday.

I am glad I rode in January

I am glad I rode in January, I'm glad I rode in January... repeat after me...

Lucas got lunged tonight and he had some turnout time, hes stuck inside until it either melts outside or snows more. Lucas acts like 'Bamby on ice' when he's outside on bad footing. I'm still not 100%, but managed to get a doctors appointment with my family doctor next week so he can check me out.

I'm ticked off I still don't feel well enough to ride, but hopefully I will feel better soon. I guess this is why I rode in January so I can miss a week or two now. *sigh* Maybe on Saturday.

To the barn or to the USA for the weekend

Its March break for the kids next week here, which means my Mom and Dad are off for a week in the sun down south. I'm only slightly worried about what might go wrong, but it takes a lot of energy to run a house on your own for a week. So I stayed home from the barn tonight and caught up on chores in town that I might not want to do next week.

C & D might be going to the us to visit the stud horse that they have in training/promotion but it all depends on the 4 mares they are trying to breed to the other stud! And my friend is going to the US for the day on Saturday and I got invited to go with her but that will only happen if I dont go to the barn. Good thing is that because it is March break the barn will be full of kids that dont mind helping me with some chores.

Link to see C & D's stud: (12 rides)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DWehCaPo8Z4&feature=channel

And lucas gets the last word.

Lucas' feet

Well it didn't load the pictures the way I wanted it to but here it goes.

Left Hind

Left front

Right Front (Bad one)

And yes you are seeing that right, his right leg is longer than his left and his foot is what the farrier can keep under control so its kept shorter than the left.

He really should have a shoe that is longer to provide heal support, but he rips his shoes off too often as it is.

Right hind

Scratch that

Not riding tonight, tired out and its snowing here. This is the coldest night of the week so I'm hopefully going out to the barn tomorrow.

Bath day

Well it warmed up to +5 today so we decided to turn the hot water on and give some baths! The baby Appaloosa didn't get a bath in the wash bay, but she did get hot water and mild soap hauled out to the foaling stalls to get cleaned up. The mare has come into her 9 day heat, and the poor baby has the runs like crazy.

Lucas was next and must have been itchy because he was a super star in the wash bay. He stood still and didn't freak out about the bubbles like he normally does. (Tell me how can a show horse that has been bathed as many times as he has still be scared of bubbles!?!)

It was so nice to get the grime out of his legs, tail and mane! He also got clipped (just bridle path and nose hairs, his ears don't get touched in the winter) so he is ready for spring.

Someday he makes me wonder, I have shaved his legs in March for the past 2 years to keep the mud from sticking too them too bad, and giving him another case of mud fever. (Just up to his fetlocks) Anyways I really don't like clipping legs because its hard on my knees/ankles to be bent down like that for as long as it will take to clip him, so today I dragged a stool over to him and sat on it while I clipped all 4 legs. And he stood like a rock for me while I twisted all around him trying to make sure I didn't make too much of a mess of it. How he thinks that is ok and fine, but the bubbles from his bath are horse eating monsters that will eat him from the feet up I have no idea!

I'm hopefully going to ride tomorrow, but more than likely it will be little more than a walk around the ring a couple of times. The Lungs are ok during short tasks (stairs) but I think too much rising trot would be rough on me right now!

Lucas after his bath, sorry for the light it kinda ruined the shot!

Still alive... again...

Mom is doing ok, the pain comes and goes but the Doctors don't really know whats going on with her knees/hips. So shes back in for more appointments next week.

I'm doing ok as well, the cold has sucked the life out of me so I'm working at a very low energy level. Im on lots of drugs to make me better from my cold, but soon they will start effecting how my joints feel.

My IV has been put off until the 20th by which time I'll be off the antibiotics and puffers. However I'm fairly sure that I'm going to be in bad shape by that point. Its so frustrating, I think I'm getting better and riding more, and getting more accomplished during each ride, and now I'll be lucky if I can ride in 2 weeks let alone ride more than once a week. Lucas has had 2 slack weeks due to the Flu and then the cold and this week isn't looking much better with my energy levels being so low.

The only good point is that my brother's girl friend has expressed interest in riding Lucas some and maybe even showing him in some walk/trot classes. Shes a very decent rider who's had to take some time off due to school/work so hopefully I can help her, and she can help me and Lucas by keeping him a bit fitter.

Yikes

Now my Mom is in the hospital, something is wrong with her legs (we had thought it was a reaction to the new med that her doctor put her on less than a week ago) but its looking like something a bit more serious now. Prayers and best wishes would be much appreciated!