"Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway"
John Wayne.
I read a blog about a week ago by Equine Insanity, http://equineinsanity.blogspot.com/2011/02/unmapped-country.html
About fear, and why some of us equine lovers, face a fear, but are sometimes unable to admit it.
Its something I've been thinking about lately. D truly started me thinking two Thursdays ago. He said that I should be riding in his training saddle for a bit until I gained my confidence back. I truly thought I wasn't doing too bad, sure we weren't cantering under saddle yet but I had only been riding a few times since his 'time off' and we were building up both of our muscels.
But he was talking about the truth, if Lucas does something unexpected I get scared. Not down and out "I need to get off" but more of a sense of disappointment in myself, in that I cant handle what ever he is throwing at me. Some (well most) days I just wish I could turn my brain and just ride on instinct. Most days I worry so much that something might go wrong I don't even ride.
It really hit home this summer when we had a miss-communication and I smacked my hand on my saddle. It swelled up so bad I couldn't use my hand for a couple of days. Any other person would have a little bruise, I was crippled for a week.
On the one hand that is why I am scared. On the other hand, its one of the reasons I still ride. I may walk funny on the ground sometimes, and not be able to do much with my hands anymore, but on horseback I can still be one of the girls, and be the person I was before I got sick. With so much in my life that is no longer the same I ride for the 5 seconds that I occasional get on horse back where I am the person that I was before I got sick.
A lot of the time I wonder how much time exactly do I have left. How long until the wheelchair, until I cant dress my self, until its too much to even get out of bed.
I try not to think about this too much but sometimes it sneaks up on me. That is why I continue to ride because sooner or later, someday, it will be too much.
I've mentioned before that the plan for Lucas was to be a re-sale, and truthfully that was the plan. Until the August QH show last summer. For all of the riding I did (not much because my knee exploded for 2 weeks due to my RA) he was a super star. When I got seriously off balance during our trot to canter transition, he stepped beneath me and cantered on. He put up with me at my worst, and how could I let him down and pass him on to someone else? He also managed to earn 1/2 a halter point that weekend proving to me that he could be a good horse for me even if I couldn't ride down the road I could still do halter with him. He's had so much to be fearful of in his own life the least I could do is provide a safe home for him for as long as I can.
Its the moments of trust (like at that show) that keep me going. Knowing that another living being depends on me, believes in me, and in us as a team, keep me going to the barn and saddling up despite the fear that lives inside. Lucas loves to work, and he does love to work with me. Take from it what you will, the first thing that the Animal communicator told me was that he thought we worked really well together, and made a great team. And truthfully if Lucas decided that he really didn't want me riding him, he would get me off. But even when I am having a horrible RA day, he never gives me any more attitude than I can handle. Maybe I need to take comfort in that. Maybe I just need to accept that accidents will happen, but Lucas will be a strong force beneath me to carry us both threw the tough times.
3 comments:
We all have fear whether we admit to it or not. And our fear is based in whatever our own particulars might be. Overcoming them and pushing through is was seperates us all.
I can understand if your body reacts so violently to trauma why your fear who be a big deal to you. I worry for similiar reasons because of my age. My body does just not cope with trauma anymore and it takes me forever to hearl. Which means that both of us need to take the extra precautions necessary to protect us from being hurt. If that means we ride in a safer saddle, on a safer horse and in safer circumstances so be it, as long as we each ride while we still can.
I write this just to say you are not alone in your struggles with your body or your riding. Our reasons may be different but our feelings about our situations much the same. Sometimes it's helpful to know we aren't alone in our battle. Hang in there. What horses do for the soul is worth the struggle.
I think Lucas knows of your health issues and some of the (understandable) nervousness that goes with it. Your comments "if Lucas decided that he really didn't want me riding him, he would get me off" and "he never gives me any more attitude than I can handle." basically confirm that he knows and understands what you are going through. He wants you to be one of the girls, too. :-) I think he's the one for you, whether you are on him or doing halter.
Thanks ladies :) I really apreciate the kind words. Somedays I watch the kids riding at the barn and wonder how they do it! I think I need to ride with more people my own age.
We had a really good ride tonight and D kept me from thinking too much, which helped!
Post a Comment