I never got sick...
Most days I just deal with it. It sucks, it really does but I try not to dwell on it. I hate taking pills, having my blood taken, and having IV's every 4 weeks.
But most of all I hate the fact that it took away my dreams.
Lucas and I had a mixed ride last night, I thought we would just go out do a little long trotting then work on some backing obstacles. All was going good until Lucas tripped while trotting. It was bad, here we were trotting along and then there was no horse in front of me. Thankfully we were falling toward the inside of the ring and Lucas struggled but he managed to keep me on and get to his feet without either one of us getting really hurt. It was the same type of accident that hurt D so badly last spring, and it scared the shit out of me and Lucas. It took us both a couple of minutes to get our heart rate down and figure out that neither one of us was seriously hurt. I got twisted and banged around really well so my backs a bit sore, and pulled something in my right leg trying to hold on (he fell to the left). Lucas' front legs were covered in dirt and he managed to rip his bell boot, but both C and D had a look at him this AM and although they put more liniment on him they think he'll be fine by the weekend.
I knew that we needed to move on so after we caught our breath, I trotted him around another 2 times but we were both just doing it to do it. We were cautious but I'm glad that I didn't just get off him after the trip.
And then the best part. I had set up 3 poles in the center of the ring set up so you could trot up the center line (the long way) and trot over them. Then about 4 feet to the side of that I placed a pole. Kind of like below:
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So we played around with the poles for a bit practiced walking around them and then over them.
And then we just "clicked"
I could ask him for each and every step as we walked over and though the poles, I could ask for each foot separately and tell him where to place it, and he listened and tried so hard. I could think about walking between poles one and two, then doing a very tight turn then walking between two and three which is a very tight turn but he bent and flexed and waited for me. Its funny but didn't cry when I almost fell of, but I did cry when I realized how hard he was trying and how well we were finally communicating together.
And this is where we come back to the point of this post.... What if I wasn't sick? How many of these moments have I missed out on because I was so sick, and tired I just couldn't put the time in to get to this point.
What could I have been doing/training if I hadn't had to give up my dream of riding for a living?
I know this is the path I was meant to follow, and that Lucas and I came together for a reason, but I always wonder, what if?
3 comments:
When my now 26 year old gelding was 6, we had to retire him because of his arthritis. The what if's I have relating to him will drive me crazy if I let them. Yours will too... I know it's hard not to wonder, but you and Lucas have each other and that's what is most important. I do hope you're feeling better and you and Lucas can continue to have these kinds of moments together. :)
And I'm glad neither of you were hurt when he tripped!
Glad to hear that you and Lucas were not hurt when he tripped. But you had some wonderful moments afterwards and you really communicated with each other.
None of us is perfect and there are always the "what ifs" that haunt us. I think that you and Lucas were meant to be together and love each other. I also think that you are good for each other. Hang in there and be thankful you have each other. There are a lot of people out there that don't ever get the chance to even have a horse.
If you never got sick those moments wouldn't mean that much to you. You wouldn't appreciate them like you do.
That's what I tell myself. There's so much I would take for granted if I didn't have RA - the other day I trotted down a flight of stairs and jogged to catch up with a friend... and it hit me that I was having an EXCEPTIONALLY good day...and it just made my whole day. I wouldn't have cared at all if that was normal.
Yeah, I know. That brief moment of good feeling isn't worth the bad. It doesn't make up for it at all. But who knows who you would be without the illness? Maybe you'd be a fantastic trainer... but just a real *itch to be around, because you have no empathy for others who are hurting? I know my RA has made me a lot nicer of a person.
I'm rambling. I'm also having a bad day today, so I'm kind of thinking the same things as you are, and grasping for straws to make me feel better about the whole thing. Stupid RA. I still wish RA was a real thing and that you and I could get a bat and go out into a back alley and just beat the crap out of it. Wouldn't that feel good?
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